I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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