Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
