: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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