She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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