I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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