Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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