My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize