ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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