You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
