just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
