I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
