I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
