he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
