i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
my poor anus
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
