I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize