What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
