i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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