I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
