i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
