I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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