I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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