Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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