Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
