dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I cut my penus on the lid.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
