PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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