After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
