I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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