he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
