i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
