i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dick very happy bro
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
