lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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