The maid of honor just puked.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
