i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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