i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize