It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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