it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
