then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
