Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize