I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
