If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Less talking, more tequila
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize