you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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