Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
