Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize