You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
