I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
