Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
