someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
