Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
