just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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