he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
There's even glitter on my cock...
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