No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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