He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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