i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
