what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
