hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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