Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
