There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
no, he came in my armpit
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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