how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
