i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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