my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
