I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
