Cold hands, warm shart.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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