How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Who died my cat blue again?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
