the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
