Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
